Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Paleo Recipes to try at home, assuming home is a cave with 20 to 30 nomadic hominids

I just finished up my Crossfit workout, and I need some grub to get me through this Instagram upload binge and debilitating back pain -- walk it off!  I want something that is going to maximize my gains so I can climb rope almost as quickly as a 5th grader in gym class -- Presidential Fitness!  I don't think people realize how much dynamic strength and endurance you need to spend 8 hours a day sitting in a plush Google office, our day cut in half by a wild trek to the Whole Foods lunch bar.  Hundreds of years of modern nutrition science has finally given us a nutrition ideology to make us live up to our fullest potential.  The Paleo-diet is simple.  Only eat in accordance to the way we suspect Paleolithic humans ate, as the way we are most evolved to eat prior to the recent emergence of farming in the Neolithic period that made us so weak, stupid and sick that all civilizations were created by Neolithic people and their poisonous, novel foods.

So here's a recipe to fill your modern caveman gut after a particularly brutal session of olympic lifts with horrible form -- good form is so Neolithic.  You think nomadic cave people used good form to lift boulders overhead to crush their enemies?

Cave Pepperoni Pizza Recipe:
Serving: 20 to 30, the average size of a nomadic, Paleolithic tribe
1 Loaf of Bread
1lb of Debris/ash
2 cups of pestilence-rich creek water
1lb Hormel Natural Pepperoni
2 cups Dinosaur Kale

Throw loaf of bread in trash.  Be careful to wash hands after handling bread as trace amounts of gluten may enter your food ruining your max gains at Crossfit.  Combine all other ingredients in earthenware.  Cook in microwave on Popcorn 2 setting or 3 minutes.  Make sure to Instagram and hashtage #paleo #fitspo so all your aiding and abetting Neolithic friends (I saw you feed your kid rice, Judy -- TRAITOR!) at Crossfit who are not flipping tires as big as the tires you flip can know how hardcore, nomadic and paleo you really are.

No comments:

Post a Comment