Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Anachronistic Super Cave Beasts of the Future ™ : A review of Paleoaholic BootCamp Online

Paleoaholic Bootcamp: "Caveman Diet System"

As seen on the Paleoaholic pitch website, advertising a new way to transform your body into a cave person demigod.

Hmm, this food looks so familiar and… transformative™  all at the same time.

"How Women Are Finally Fitting Into Their Jeans"

Thank God!  Finally, Science™ and the power of Evolution™ have come together to allow your worthless pig body to squeeze into your flared Mom-jeans™!  I'm deeply religious and the idea that I've evolved from monkeys upsets me, but Darwin's theory of evolution is the most effective weight lost tool.  Thank you, Charles Darwin for inventing the greatest diet ever -- the future of dieting.

The Paleolithic diet features ambiguous gluten-free grains, steak, prehistoric chocolate pudding and ubiquitous, naturally occurring stawberry ice cream from the wildest berry sources out of Mexico!  Being a nomadic hunter gather never tasted so good.  Who knew we evolved alongside strawberry ice cream and chocolate pudding making it the ideal super food -- sustenance our bodies crave and need to be anachronistic super cave beasts of the future.

Anybody else starving for piping hot cave waffles right off the embers of the bonfire?  You thought this diet was going to be hard, right?  You thought you were going to have to give up everything you ever loved about food -- i.e sugar.  Forget that whole notion of giving things up!  Being Paleo is about plentitude, about marauding, about amoral rape, murder and thievery and not about being a nomadic, desperate band of illiterate, deeply confused hominids traveling seasonly to keep access to precious food resources.  It's about the endlessness of the waffles -- gluten free waffles!  Extra gluten-free, coconut whipped topping for me!

I cannot recommend this diet enough.  It is so powerful that not only will you fit into your Mom-jeans ™, you will be so muscular and have such low body fat percentages that your mom jeans will be shredded to pieces by the density and size of your leg muscles, rendering you totally naked -- in your purest most muscular, most paleolithic form.  You will then slowly become illiterate and animism will dominate all your waking thoughts.  You will be the ultimate Anachronistic Super Cave Beast of the Future™.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Review: Life Juice: Himalayan Sea Salt


While some people think 8 dollars for a tiny bottle of water is outrageous, I can't help but be positive and to see the bottle half full -- that would be 4 dollars for 6 ounces of water if you missed the metaphor and took that statement literally. Yes, it is overpriced; yes, it is water; yes, you're wondering why this product needs to exist; but I'm not here to judge the preconditions that allowed this to exist. I'm here to give it a fair assessment in an objective review.

Sight: this beverage is entirely translucent reminiscent of one of the attributes of pure water. The packaging adds a certain allure that makes you think of a bottled beverage that isn't just water, a substance which comprises most of the earth.

Smell: it has little no aromatic properties. It smells neutral, i.e. it smells like nothing? Maybe there is a faint hint of misplaced financial investments, but I'm not entire sure what that smells like.

Taste: the flavor is mild bringing forth notes of water with a hint of salt. The Himalayan pink salt tastes like what you imagine salt to taste like -- salty. The human tongue is only capable of detecting salt as a basic chemical formulation, so no matter how many Sherpas died lugging it down the hill and regardless of the robust history of yak's relieving themselves all over the soil -- tastes like salt! Pink Himalayan salt is the same salt that comprises the tears of the people who invested in this beverage company as they watch their houses go into foreclosure. Perhaps I detect a faint lemony finish which was really exciting for me because I've never had lemon and water as a flavor pairing before.

Rating: I give it a 4 out of 5 stars. Water flavor was spot on and the attempt at exoticism with the use of salt from Asia kept me drinking looking for a flavor that would connect me to the Dalai Lama and bring me enlightenment; however, I didn't care for the water and lemon flavor pairing and found it a bit hifalutin and snooty.

Pairings: Human organ function, precursors to organic life

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

"Nobody Respects The Healing Power Of Hot Dogs" or "Walmart: Laissez-faire Heroes To America's Death Drive"

How Many Groceries Sold At Walmart Would Be Banned At Whole Foods?

You can find the semblance of choice in aisle 5:

Paleo Recipes to try at home, assuming home is a cave with 20 to 30 nomadic hominids

I just finished up my Crossfit workout, and I need some grub to get me through this Instagram upload binge and debilitating back pain -- walk it off!  I want something that is going to maximize my gains so I can climb rope almost as quickly as a 5th grader in gym class -- Presidential Fitness!  I don't think people realize how much dynamic strength and endurance you need to spend 8 hours a day sitting in a plush Google office, our day cut in half by a wild trek to the Whole Foods lunch bar.  Hundreds of years of modern nutrition science has finally given us a nutrition ideology to make us live up to our fullest potential.  The Paleo-diet is simple.  Only eat in accordance to the way we suspect Paleolithic humans ate, as the way we are most evolved to eat prior to the recent emergence of farming in the Neolithic period that made us so weak, stupid and sick that all civilizations were created by Neolithic people and their poisonous, novel foods.

So here's a recipe to fill your modern caveman gut after a particularly brutal session of olympic lifts with horrible form -- good form is so Neolithic.  You think nomadic cave people used good form to lift boulders overhead to crush their enemies?

Cave Pepperoni Pizza Recipe:
Serving: 20 to 30, the average size of a nomadic, Paleolithic tribe
1 Loaf of Bread
1lb of Debris/ash
2 cups of pestilence-rich creek water
1lb Hormel Natural Pepperoni
2 cups Dinosaur Kale

Throw loaf of bread in trash.  Be careful to wash hands after handling bread as trace amounts of gluten may enter your food ruining your max gains at Crossfit.  Combine all other ingredients in earthenware.  Cook in microwave on Popcorn 2 setting or 3 minutes.  Make sure to Instagram and hashtage #paleo #fitspo so all your aiding and abetting Neolithic friends (I saw you feed your kid rice, Judy -- TRAITOR!) at Crossfit who are not flipping tires as big as the tires you flip can know how hardcore, nomadic and paleo you really are.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Uncle Kierkegaard Ruined Thanksgiving

Chefs Give Nod to Vegetarian Dishes, Haughtily

Vegetables: scorned and maligned as rabbit food or loved as vessels to get more animal fat into one's mouth.  The cool new thing to give a culinary fuck about says the New York Times.  Chefs for the briefest moment take off their sweat-stained "I love Bacon" t-shirts and place them in the hamper to finally be washed.  Is this a turn for the more ethically-minded foodie?  No, probably not, because most foodie-isms are passionately apolitical though occasionally draped in a mimicry of environmentalism.  Nobody becomes a foodie because they want to consume less,  they want more and more -- they want the best and as much of it.  Their body and minds are passive slaves to whatever new refinement is forced into the orifice of pop-culinary's choosing.  Occasionally, however, they feel guilty for a second, and they explain that somehow their unrestrained pursuit of pleasure at any price is the same force that can stop growing global crises that ironically are caused by unrestrained consumption.

But how can this happen -- squash is cool?  Vegetables are cool when only yesterday the king was hipster-pork where the obesity epidemic's love of pork rinds combined with the hipster-foodie's francophilia, creating charcuterie menus in every restaurant, turning them into orgiastic pork binges.  Wait, really, squash is cool now?  I was into squash way before squash was cool.  I have all of squash's records on vinyl.  I call vegetables veggies for short -- I just have that kind of relationship with vegetables, don't be envious.

Squash just got invited to P. Diddy's white party -- check out the watch!

So where is this going?  I'd love to enjoy this moment to wonder if maybe I won't be the guy ruining everybody's good time because I'm the voyeur at the pork orgy -- my inactivity somehow being a condemnation.  Could Thanksgiving be more than just an awkward exchange for me about why I'm not eating the turkey -- full of answers that strike rage and annoyance through the everyday person's mind.  It's a nice fantasy, but the reality is that the veggie-fad is fleeting, as all pleasure or aesthetic-based movements are.

Oh no, who invited Kierkegaard?

Wiser men have realized much earlier than me that our relationships with the world can be easily categorized.  Kierkegaard, everybody's favorite Danish, Existential theologist/philosopher -- sorry all you Martin Luther fan-boys out there -- theorized about three modes of existence for a human.  In the briefest outline, he divides these modes into the aesthetic, the ethical and the religious/spiritual.  A person would go from the basest level of the aesthetic mode, which is undermined by the ethical, which in turn is undermined by the religious/spiritual mode.  How does this relate to trending food interests?  While Kierkegaard was talking about general psychological modes of existence in humanity, food is a part of the way we choose to live, and as we spend so much time obtaining, preparing and eating food, it is a huge aspect of our lives.

The person of the aesthetic mode of being is lost, turning inward to the reflections of his pleasures.  There is a constant pursuit of attaining more and more pleasure, which ultimately desensitizes pleasure, demanding an endless pursuit of greater novel pleasure.  It's a random play of meaningless sensory data, played with, experimented with as nothing of any real weight or concern.  The focus on pleasure and sense smudges and distorts the reality of the relationships and commitments you have to others; you are trapped in the lie of solipsisms where consequences for a manic pursuit of novel pleasure can be easily ignored.  The reality that your pleasure-seeking, inward-turned consciousness is incomplete, feels incomplete, as the haunting reality that the other, the person outside of yourself, is waiting for you to recognize them.

When one recognizes the other, they see the consequences of their actions; they see their true selves in the eyes of others and to what a profound degree they owe their entire being to others; they feel a profound guilt, and they enter into the ethical mode of being.  Now actions must be weighed for their consequences for others.  All senseless pursuits of pleasure and all trivial play with the senses need to be measured and stymied by the needs of others.  The ethical person follows rules and laws that are in the interest of all, not just himself.

The religious/spiritual dimensions is not as relevant to my point and is more abstracted and complicated in Kierkegaard.  But, in the most basic sense, at various times the ethical will be superseded for an ineffable reality only experienced by a sole individual in relationship to something transcendent.  Kierkegaard goes into the theological issue of Abraham's attempted sacrifice of Isaac which is a Biblical example of the supra-ethical.

In sum, following cool food trends, whether they be offered up on a plate by a chef, or by a corporation, or a dietician, or the state, is the basest relationship we can have to food.  The aesthete's world is profoundly lonely and meaningless, an array of edible colors, constantly shifting, the arbitrary sensation ahead inexplicably cooler than what you have now.  Eating vegetables because it is in vogue is an inferior mode of human existence, though by accident it may have a beneficial environmental or health impact, that is not the pure intent of the action.  To ignore the consequences of your decisions and to pursue food as an apolitical act of sensory pleasure will leave you with a strange aftertaste in your mouth.  That aftertaste is the specter of the immense suffering and destruction thoughtless consumption causes.

Friday, November 2, 2012

5-Hour Energy: Pink Lemonade: Energy Supplement

A fantastical wish to end breast cancer by adorning yourself in the color pink is a woman's political issue that everybody can get behind.  Delightfully deluded, minimal commitment and an excuse to rock that new salmon-toned ensemble you've been shying away from for months, breast-cancer-awareness-ethical-consumerism is the answer to all of our problems.  The options are endless -- breast-cancer awareness chips, breast-cancer awareness soap, breast-cancer awareness energy drinks  -- the caffeine, taurine and b-vitamins surging through our bodies making us uncontrollably aware, ready for action!

Women's issues and political causes often run into an array of problems that hinder their popularity.  How do we avoid the messy bind of those feministic issues that leave us with the inconvenience of acknowledging the personhood of women and their real, substantial well-being?  Because we don't want women to get sick and die from something as horrible as breast cancer -- who would go food shopping and make dinner?  Susan G. Komen For The Cure, the organization behind the pink-tinged charitable efforts like Breast Cancer Awareness Walks, along with the doppelgänger organization The Avon Foundation have the solution for how to make women's issues popular.

Who could assist them in the most unpopular subject of women's political issues?  Seems they take a couple of notes from the most popular purveyor of women: pornography.  Equality, liberation and indelible rights don't have universal appeal and in many ways might hinder the efficiency with which your laundry will get washed.  How do we support women while also actively oppressing them?  Create a dialogue about women's health and political issues by talking about women solely in terms of their bodies, which is how society always deals with the threat of women's unrealized political power and how Avon and Komen's political rhetoric and cause gain such popularity.

Let's do a mini-deconstruction of their most prevalent rhetoric.  Sometimes the basest slogans speak louder than any manifesto.  "I love Boobies" or "Honk For Hooters" are unfortunately common slogans found on bumper stickers that are meant to be tongue-in-cheek but reveal tacitly the kind of dialogue that is allowed to be had about a woman's issue.  The popularity of these slogans speaks volumes.  Women are reduced to breasts, objects that need to be preserved, not persons that need to be given at least the sufficient financial and social status necessary to actively secure their own health.  If you broach how objective financial inequality and gender norms might contribute to illness, all of a sudden you're a crazed militant.  Women can only be brought into the public foray as bodies, to be dissected, to be regulated, to become an object of desire or didactic revulsion.  Nothing sells magazines like Kim Kardashian's butt; nothing sells a political idea about women like breasts.

Justin Bieber, hero of women's political causes

"Hey, stop ruining Avon's and Komen's party with your analysis, we're just talking about saving boobs through charitable efforts, like giving proceeds to breast cancer research by selling carcinogenic products.  I also happen to really enjoy power walking as a swath of pink-clad women!" -- Dumbest Person Ever

Susan G. Komen For The Cure and the Avon Foundation in all their brilliant political wisdom have used everybody's favorite post-modern ploy of "ethical consumerism."  When you hear the word post-modern, you know irony is about to rain down upon you in a torrential form.  Aligning themselves with numerous products, these Komen endorsed products will give a portion of their proceeds to cancer research.  You can feel good about eating an entire box of Cheez-its because a marginal portion of that money went to the nebulous coffers of a charity-machine-complex.  Dove soap too has gotten on board the Komen train at various points.  Now the most recent product has arrive as 5-hour Energy: Pink Lemonade Flavor: a condensed energy drink supplement loaded with caffeine, B-vitamins and mysterious, poorly regulated, untested supplements.

Finally, all of the problems of thoughtless consumerism can be solved by thoughtless consumerism, i.e. ethical consumerism.  Cheez-its are an oily, carb-bomb junk food product that have most definitely contributed to the obesity epidemic in America if their cheesy-greasy fingertips are any evidence; obesity significantly effects the survival rate of breast cancer patients.  I'll give you a hint, the big girls don't make it -- sorry, M4BBW, I know you didn't want to hear that.  Dove soap markets itself as a pure, simple product for daily cosmetic and hygiene needs when it is actually rife with potentially carcinogenic ingredients such as parabens; parabens affect hormones in the human body and could increase the risk of breast cancer.  5-hour energy is a supplement product, putting itself outside of the already lax regulations on food by the FDA.  An arbitrary blend of amino acids, caffeine and B-vitamins, it has been connected to seizures in children, and the large dosage of caffeine can create potential heart complications.  Vitamins supplements, most likely cheap, unregulated vitamins in this product have been correlated with increased risk of death and may very likely be carcinogenic.  Susan G. Komen For the Cure feels great about their connections with these disease causing products.  Looks like they found their cure, and it is at the bottom of a Cheez-it box -- but a pink Cheez-it box mind you.

Post-modern-irony-connection: successfully completed.