Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Anachronistic Super Cave Beasts of the Future ™ : A review of Paleoaholic BootCamp Online

Paleoaholic Bootcamp: "Caveman Diet System"

As seen on the Paleoaholic pitch website, advertising a new way to transform your body into a cave person demigod.

Hmm, this food looks so familiar and… transformative™  all at the same time.

"How Women Are Finally Fitting Into Their Jeans"

Thank God!  Finally, Science™ and the power of Evolution™ have come together to allow your worthless pig body to squeeze into your flared Mom-jeans™!  I'm deeply religious and the idea that I've evolved from monkeys upsets me, but Darwin's theory of evolution is the most effective weight lost tool.  Thank you, Charles Darwin for inventing the greatest diet ever -- the future of dieting.

The Paleolithic diet features ambiguous gluten-free grains, steak, prehistoric chocolate pudding and ubiquitous, naturally occurring stawberry ice cream from the wildest berry sources out of Mexico!  Being a nomadic hunter gather never tasted so good.  Who knew we evolved alongside strawberry ice cream and chocolate pudding making it the ideal super food -- sustenance our bodies crave and need to be anachronistic super cave beasts of the future.

Anybody else starving for piping hot cave waffles right off the embers of the bonfire?  You thought this diet was going to be hard, right?  You thought you were going to have to give up everything you ever loved about food -- i.e sugar.  Forget that whole notion of giving things up!  Being Paleo is about plentitude, about marauding, about amoral rape, murder and thievery and not about being a nomadic, desperate band of illiterate, deeply confused hominids traveling seasonly to keep access to precious food resources.  It's about the endlessness of the waffles -- gluten free waffles!  Extra gluten-free, coconut whipped topping for me!

I cannot recommend this diet enough.  It is so powerful that not only will you fit into your Mom-jeans ™, you will be so muscular and have such low body fat percentages that your mom jeans will be shredded to pieces by the density and size of your leg muscles, rendering you totally naked -- in your purest most muscular, most paleolithic form.  You will then slowly become illiterate and animism will dominate all your waking thoughts.  You will be the ultimate Anachronistic Super Cave Beast of the Future™.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Review: Life Juice: Himalayan Sea Salt


While some people think 8 dollars for a tiny bottle of water is outrageous, I can't help but be positive and to see the bottle half full -- that would be 4 dollars for 6 ounces of water if you missed the metaphor and took that statement literally. Yes, it is overpriced; yes, it is water; yes, you're wondering why this product needs to exist; but I'm not here to judge the preconditions that allowed this to exist. I'm here to give it a fair assessment in an objective review.

Sight: this beverage is entirely translucent reminiscent of one of the attributes of pure water. The packaging adds a certain allure that makes you think of a bottled beverage that isn't just water, a substance which comprises most of the earth.

Smell: it has little no aromatic properties. It smells neutral, i.e. it smells like nothing? Maybe there is a faint hint of misplaced financial investments, but I'm not entire sure what that smells like.

Taste: the flavor is mild bringing forth notes of water with a hint of salt. The Himalayan pink salt tastes like what you imagine salt to taste like -- salty. The human tongue is only capable of detecting salt as a basic chemical formulation, so no matter how many Sherpas died lugging it down the hill and regardless of the robust history of yak's relieving themselves all over the soil -- tastes like salt! Pink Himalayan salt is the same salt that comprises the tears of the people who invested in this beverage company as they watch their houses go into foreclosure. Perhaps I detect a faint lemony finish which was really exciting for me because I've never had lemon and water as a flavor pairing before.

Rating: I give it a 4 out of 5 stars. Water flavor was spot on and the attempt at exoticism with the use of salt from Asia kept me drinking looking for a flavor that would connect me to the Dalai Lama and bring me enlightenment; however, I didn't care for the water and lemon flavor pairing and found it a bit hifalutin and snooty.

Pairings: Human organ function, precursors to organic life

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

"Nobody Respects The Healing Power Of Hot Dogs" or "Walmart: Laissez-faire Heroes To America's Death Drive"

How Many Groceries Sold At Walmart Would Be Banned At Whole Foods?

You can find the semblance of choice in aisle 5:

Paleo Recipes to try at home, assuming home is a cave with 20 to 30 nomadic hominids

I just finished up my Crossfit workout, and I need some grub to get me through this Instagram upload binge and debilitating back pain -- walk it off!  I want something that is going to maximize my gains so I can climb rope almost as quickly as a 5th grader in gym class -- Presidential Fitness!  I don't think people realize how much dynamic strength and endurance you need to spend 8 hours a day sitting in a plush Google office, our day cut in half by a wild trek to the Whole Foods lunch bar.  Hundreds of years of modern nutrition science has finally given us a nutrition ideology to make us live up to our fullest potential.  The Paleo-diet is simple.  Only eat in accordance to the way we suspect Paleolithic humans ate, as the way we are most evolved to eat prior to the recent emergence of farming in the Neolithic period that made us so weak, stupid and sick that all civilizations were created by Neolithic people and their poisonous, novel foods.

So here's a recipe to fill your modern caveman gut after a particularly brutal session of olympic lifts with horrible form -- good form is so Neolithic.  You think nomadic cave people used good form to lift boulders overhead to crush their enemies?

Cave Pepperoni Pizza Recipe:
Serving: 20 to 30, the average size of a nomadic, Paleolithic tribe
1 Loaf of Bread
1lb of Debris/ash
2 cups of pestilence-rich creek water
1lb Hormel Natural Pepperoni
2 cups Dinosaur Kale

Throw loaf of bread in trash.  Be careful to wash hands after handling bread as trace amounts of gluten may enter your food ruining your max gains at Crossfit.  Combine all other ingredients in earthenware.  Cook in microwave on Popcorn 2 setting or 3 minutes.  Make sure to Instagram and hashtage #paleo #fitspo so all your aiding and abetting Neolithic friends (I saw you feed your kid rice, Judy -- TRAITOR!) at Crossfit who are not flipping tires as big as the tires you flip can know how hardcore, nomadic and paleo you really are.