Paleoaholic Bootcamp: "Caveman Diet System"
As seen on the Paleoaholic pitch website, advertising a new way to transform your body into a cave person demigod.
Hmm, this food looks so familiar and… transformative™ all at the same time.
"How Women Are Finally Fitting Into Their Jeans"
Thank God! Finally, Science™ and the power of Evolution™ have come together to allow your worthless pig body to squeeze into your flared Mom-jeans™! I'm deeply religious and the idea that I've evolved from monkeys upsets me, but Darwin's theory of evolution is the most effective weight lost tool. Thank you, Charles Darwin for inventing the greatest diet ever -- the future of dieting.
The Paleolithic diet features ambiguous gluten-free grains, steak, prehistoric chocolate pudding and ubiquitous, naturally occurring stawberry ice cream from the wildest berry sources out of Mexico! Being a nomadic hunter gather never tasted so good. Who knew we evolved alongside strawberry ice cream and chocolate pudding making it the ideal super food -- sustenance our bodies crave and need to be anachronistic super cave beasts of the future.
Anybody else starving for piping hot cave waffles right off the embers of the bonfire? You thought this diet was going to be hard, right? You thought you were going to have to give up everything you ever loved about food -- i.e sugar. Forget that whole notion of giving things up! Being Paleo is about plentitude, about marauding, about amoral rape, murder and thievery and not about being a nomadic, desperate band of illiterate, deeply confused hominids traveling seasonly to keep access to precious food resources. It's about the endlessness of the waffles -- gluten free waffles! Extra gluten-free, coconut whipped topping for me!
I cannot recommend this diet enough. It is so powerful that not only will you fit into your Mom-jeans ™, you will be so muscular and have such low body fat percentages that your mom jeans will be shredded to pieces by the density and size of your leg muscles, rendering you totally naked -- in your purest most muscular, most paleolithic form. You will then slowly become illiterate and animism will dominate all your waking thoughts. You will be the ultimate Anachronistic Super Cave Beast of the Future™.